My wife is totally into "The Bachelor." On Monday nights, she gets the TV set in the bedroom and I have to sprawl on the couch and find something else to watch. She does not want me in there with her because I can be sarcastic and caustic about what I'm seeing. She also accuses me of "breaking the mood" and orders me out of the room.

In the last episode of the show, the guy (Jake Pavekla) is doing the heavy romantic bit with two interchangeable blondes. Now these two women (Tenley Molzahn, Vienna Giraldi) are the last survivors from a whole gaggle (herd?) of females who are in heavy heat to marry this guy. I didn't watch a lot of the shows but he seemed to have thrown away a lot better stuff than he kept around for the end.

Jake has an irksome quality of saying "amazing" about everything from the kisses to the weather to the food and all stops in between. The dude has a severely limited vocabulary. He also repeated himself with stories to the women, separately, so he wasn't going to tax himself with two different emotions.

In the end, he throws a tasty dish from Oregon under the bus and then does the engagement ring and bended knee proposal to the woman who the other contestants all despise for her questionable tactics in moving her way through the competition.

Suddenly, I get a shot of real truth into my head and it occurs to me . . . I don't like either one of these people!

She is a manipulative opportunist riding roughshod to get that ring at all costs. Jake is a spineless whiner who is drowning in his own faux sincerity. There are only a few characteristics that barf me up but pitiful indecision about loving two women rates pretty near the top.

So in the end it all ends up just as it should: two major losers end up together and long may it rain on their parade.

They are the dregs on television, dressed up and sitting in the royal coach with horses.

They just don't have anywhere to go . . .